The Kids are Alright
Reflecting on working with '“troubled teenagers” as a therapist
For clarification, qualification, however you want to say it: I do not have my own children and therefore, my perspective is limited. (isn't it always?) But I still know that the kids are alright.
During my first year as a therapist, I took a position at a high school in Chula Vista, which is 10 minutes north of the U.S.-Mexico border, one day per week, completely pro-bono. The school is a continuation high school, which means the students are there because they have been kicked out of other schools in the area for various reasons. Every single student I worked with had a horrible home life, rife with drama, chaos, violence, emotionally-immature parents, financial instability, the whole gamut. Every one of them had been labeled a "bad kid" at some point, and none of them believed they would ever amount to anything. They were in therapy either because they had directly asked for help or because they had been caught drinking, smoking, cutting, etc. These kids were some of my favorite clients.
At this point I am aware that I am a different kind of therapist, that I do not play by the rules, that I cherish the bond between therapist-client above any methodology or intervention. Most of these kids had seen therapists before, and most had the experience of having their secrets spilled to the authorities, which left them in even worse positions than when they started. They did not trust adults, they did not have positive views of themselves, and yet every single one of them was extremely kind and absolutely delightful to work with. When we started our journey in the fall, they were shy with me, averting their eyes and keeping their affect serious. By the last month I was working there, they were coming into sessions smiling and laughing with journals of notes to share with me and excitement to tell me what fucked up shit their parents did this time. We sat there as two humans, in safety and in love, not as an authority figure and as a child.
What accounts for this shift I witnessed? Operating from a place of love, societal ethics are left to be questioned and often tossed aside. My personal love ethic tells me to act in a way that is the least harm for the greatest number of people, and to center the spiritual growth of the person I am in relationship with, including my adolescent clients. While these kids may have been labeled by society in certain ways, their goodness truly shone through. Resilient as fuck, they spent ample time emotionally supporting their friends and younger siblings, tending to household needs and working towards their diploma. One student I worked with weekly, a 17 year-old boy, told me that I "tell it to him like it is". What he meant is that if he tells me about the abuse and neglect he is enduring at home, I tell him it is not okay. I want him, and people everywhere, to understand that normalizing abuse is a coping mechanism that only takes us so far. These kids don't need more coping skills, they've got those on lock, they need a trusting adult to look them in the eyes and say "you do not deserve to be treated that way." We cannot be afraid to treat each other like human beings - with honesty, respect, vulnerability. If we continue to treat each other like projects, watching what happens if we say this or do that, we will be left totally empty.
The kids get it. The teenagers that seem to drive adults crazy are pure expressions of the pain of living. The kids are willing to be seen, willing to express the rawest emotions.